Relaxation

Relaxation can mean so many different things to so many people.  There are so many theories and books written about relaxation, who knew that the concept of relaxing could be so stressful?  Basically, relaxation is whatever helps you to balance the stresses in your life.  For some people, it might be meditation (of which there are hundreds if not more, to choose from), deep breathing, resting on a lounge chair in the back yard or at the beach, or even reading.  Other people find projects to be relaxing for them and these may include building or making something, or re-doing something like a room in your home.  Some people find exercise to be relaxing, clearing their mind and helping them to feel invigorated.  Whatever you decide to do as your form of relaxation, the most important component is to actually reserve time for your relaxation on a regular basis.  I have met many people over the years who have claimed that their annual vacation was their form of relaxation.  The problem with this approach is the long, very long, year-long wait to experience any form of relaxation.  This approach involves procrastination, wishing one’s life away by dreaming of their vacation and living for that, and being so stressed by the time the vacation arrives, the vacation only makes a small dent in the stress cycle.  If vacation is the way you want to go, then I suggest you sprinkle some 3 and 4-day weekends throughout your year even if it shortens the annual vacation somewhat.  I would also recommend planned activities on regular weekends to keep the mojo going.  If meditation is your thing, find a few that you like that vary by time interval.  While it is wonderful to reach a meditative state for 40 to 60 minutes, that may not always fit in to your schedule.  

Use your long meditations as often as you can during the week, but learn some that take under 5 minutes for that “pick me up” meditative feeling.  As you train your body to relax to certain cues, it will take less and less time for your body to respond.  Exercise is great on so many levels.  It can relax you, energize you, help keep you healthier, and is a wonderful stress reducer.  If you are not excited about the thought of exercise, that means you need to try different forms of exercise until you find one that you love.  There are so many options out there, from groups to weights to sports to different forms of boating.  Don’t forget the basic, walking.  Find a beautiful place to walk.  If you need company on your walks, enlist a family member or even join a walking club.  Again, whatever you do to relax, enjoy it, make it at least 3 to 4 times a week if not daily, and remember, you are worth taking care of.  Life is not just about work.

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New Relationship:  Am I Moving Too Fast?

 In a new relationship, what is too fast and what is too slow.  Some people believe in love at first sight and some people believe one must grow in to love.  Whether you are moving too fast or too slow depends on the two people involved.  However, that being said, there are some general guidelines that might help you.  As you become intrigued with someone, you need to take a closer look at who this person is.  How does this person talk about their ex if they have one, their children, boss, parents?  Do they have friends?  Is everything in their life someone else’s fault or can they take ownership of their choices?  If you have children, do they accept you as a package and are they willing to develop a positive relationship with your children while also respecting the parental boundaries of the other parent?  This works both ways.  If they have children, you need to develop a positive relationship with their children.  If you both have children, be prepared to work on blending the family.  Discuss discipline and have a plan for parenting both sets of children so the children perceive the house rules as equal and fair.  How does this person deal with frustration and anger?  Does their reaction match the crime or do they over react?  Are you able to approach them and talk about anything?  Are they possessive of you or are they willing to share?  Are they supportive of you maintaining your prior relationships with friends and family or do they seem to want to separate you from your past and your support system?  How do they handle their finances and are they even willing to discuss finances with you?  If they are moving too fast for you, are they willing to slow down and match your pace?  If not, there may be some control or impulsive issues to consider.  As you climb each step of the relationship path, do it together and with your eyes open.  Deciding on a life partner is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your life.  Finding a new partner is easy, finding the right partner is the challenge.

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When Feeling Disliked

When Feeling Disliked

We have all had the experience of feeling that someone does not like us.  It may be real or just perceived, but either way, it makes most people feel uncomfortable.  When this happens, the first thing to do is to look at your own behavior.  If you think you have not done anything to make the other person dislike you, than it is not about you.  People’s reactions are about themselves, even if in response to you or directed toward you.  This is easy to understand intellectually, but actually quite difficult to live.  It takes some practice.  For example, suppose you are meeting three friends or co-workers for lunch and you are 30 minutes late and your cell phone died and you just can’t call anyone.  You arrive at the restaurant and friend number 1 says, “Yeah! You are here, let’s get started.”  Friend number 2 says, “You are so inconsiderate.  I can’t believe you made us wait and now you have ruined lunch and we have to go back to work late all because you are so inconsiderate.”  Friend number 3 says, “I’m so glad you are all right.  I was worried about you.  It’s me, not you, but I imagined you on the side of the road in a ditch.”  You have not said anything yet, you just walked in.  You were the stimulus to your three friends.  Your first friend is the healthiest of the three.  That friend trusts you and is just happy you are there and knows if you want to tell them why you are late you will do so.  The trust is there.  The second friend is all about themselves and became very paranoid that you were late intentionally and just didn't care about them.  This is a malignant response because the person had an intent to harm you back in retaliation of perceived harm.  The third person is benign and even stated that their reaction was about them and their anxiety.  Where it gets interesting is you.  Your reaction is about you.  Do you feel guilty, get angry back, or just accept that everyone has their own reaction and maybe you and Friend 2 are not really friends?  Back to the scenario of feeling disliked.  If you do not feel you have done anything wrong, then the other person’s behavior or dislike is about them and not you.  Maybe you remind them of someone in their past who hurt them.  Maybe you remind them of an ex or a boss who was mean.  The list can be endless, and we will never be able to figure out why someone reacts the way they do.  We just need to understand and accept that it is not about us.  I would also like to note that it is not possible to like everyone we meet and not everyone we meet will like us, so basically, it’s a wash.

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Cover Letters and Resumes

Cover Letters and Resumes

Many patients show me their resumes and cover letters when applying for new jobs and there are some basic rules, that if not followed, may ruin your chances of even getting an interview.  In fact, we are currently reviewing resumes and I am amazed at the glaring, but simple mistakes that could so easily be corrected.  To have more success even getting to the interview stage, please follow these rules:

1. Keep your style consistent throughout your resume. Do not change the font mid-way.

2. Spell check, and then check again, and then have someone check again for you.  Spelling errors do not look professional.

3. Edit and be grammatically correct.  Have someone with really good writing skills edit for you.  If you say that one of your assets is your writing skills and you make grammatical and spelling mistakes in your resume, you may be round filed (thrown in the trash).

4. Bold and capitalize your subject headings so they stand out.

5. Education should be on your first page, not your last page.  Your first page is what the potential interviewer sees, and if that does not look crisp, professional, and appealing they may not even look at your second page.

6. In your cover letter, don’t emphasize how you want to learn from the job; emphasize what you will contribute to the job.

7. Be careful about student status as most employers do not want to spend the time and resources to train you, only for you to leave and have some other company benefit from their training.

8. When you reply to a job listing that provides salary, don’t include salary requirements that far exceed what is offered or you are likely to not even be considered.  You may be seen as over qualified.

9. Unless a job is advertised as temporary, don’t present yourself as wanting a temporary job.  For example, don’t say you are working your way through school or working on a degree in a different field than the job you are applying for.

10. Write a cover letter for the specific job, a generic letter will stand out in a bad way.  

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When You Feel Betrayed at Work

How do you deal with an unexpected betrayal at work?  The same way you deal with any betrayal.  First you look to see what you may have contributed to the conflict.  For example, were you harsh or overbearing in some way.  Then you look to see what the other person may have contributed to any conflict.  If you see a contribution on either side and the other person does not want to attempt resolution, then their reaction is about them and not you.  If you feel there was no conflict, then the betrayal may have been fear and/or avoidance, or may have been an enabled sense of entitlement or even a combination of the two.  There are some situations when we may be too nice, have not set firm boundaries, and the other person mistakes our kindness for weakness.  Even when a staff member promises and commits to something, that is not necessarily going to be your reality.  When someone does not live up to their commitment, it is their integrity that is in question and you need to thank them for letting you know now what they are really about.  Even if this is a fleeting time in their life, it is not all right to take advantage of another person and their good will.  For example, in my office, two weeks after hiring someone she became pregnant, did not have an easy time, and was allowed to work the hours that were best for her and her health.  After having the baby, we waited for her to be ready to return to work, gave her the options of part time or full time and even let her bring her baby to work.  When she subsequently moved an hour away, we let her decide what time her day would start and how many hours a week she wanted to work.  The only thing we asked was that she come in when she said she would, and to give us 2 to 3 weeks’ notice if she decided the commute was too much.  How were we rewarded?  She just did not show up for work on Monday, no notice, and no response to our attempts to communicate with her.  Her abandonment of her job was about her even though it hurt her and made things more difficult for us.  I would like to thank her for letting us know that she is not who she presented herself to be and to make room for the possibility of a new staff member who is committed, creative, and lives by the rule of integrity in all things.  If you have had a similar experience of feeling betrayed at work, share it with us and let us know how you handled it.

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Coping With Adult ADHD

Many adults come in to our office stating that they have ADHD.  Of those adults, only a handful have been diagnosed either as a child or an adult.  Most have self-diagnosed themselves.  If you suspect ADHD, it is important to undergo a professional assessment as you may have ADHD, but you may also have other overlapping issues, such as learning disabilities.  While medication and skills learning will help you manage the ADHD, learning disabilities are a whole different arena and need a different type of attention and intervention.  That being said, there are many ways to learn to manage your ADHD symptoms.  A lot of management has to do with how you view and conceptualize the world, how you learn to structure your tasks and responsibilities, and even how you reinforce yourself.  For example, if you tend to lose your keys and then you are chronically late because you can’t find your keys, it would be helpful to establish a place in your home for those keys.  Have a place in your kitchen or bedroom that is designated for your keys, wallet, purse, and anything else that you must take with you when you leave your home.  If you have to mail a package, put the package in your car the day before or leave if by the front door so you don’t forget it.  Make a checklist of all the things you have to do in a day and monitor your checklist as the day progresses.  If your closet looks like a bomb went off in it, have an organized friend or relative help you clean it out and set it up and coach yourself each day when you put things away.  

Basically, train yourself to keep that closet reasonably organized by training yourself to develop a schema for an organized closet.  A big complaint I often hear in my practice is how difficult it is to concentrate at work when required to listen to a presentation.  Take notes, it will help you focus.  If you are distracted by extraneous noise at work, find a way to block out that noise, even if you need to wear headphones.  There are many strategies for your particular ADHD symptoms and a Licensed Psychologist or Social Worker can help you with that.  If you are interested in reading about self-help strategies, you can refer to our new e-book, ADHD:  A Guide for Consumers.

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Promoting The Father/Daughter Relationship

I have met many fathers over the years who have questioned how to have the best possible relationship with their daughter.   At first it seems much like a mystery to many men, but in reality, it is really quite straight forward.  The most important thing you can do for your daughter is to spend time with her.  Bring her shopping with you, let her help you with your projects. Go on a father daughter date to dinner and a movie.  Go to the park with her, play ball with her, play board games with her, teach her your favorite card game. Just spend time talking to her about her life and stories about your childhood.  Build her self-esteem and tell her what you love and admire about her and compliment her on her successes and accomplishments. Encourage her to pursue her dreams. As she matures into a young woman, it is even more important to spend quality time with her and talk about issues teens’ face, issues in the world, and her opinions about what is happening both in her life and in the world. Most importantly, be honest with her and value her, and this is what she will expect from other men in her life.  

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