TOXIC PEOPLE
A staff member
recently gave me a list of 15 questions regarding toxic people and I decided
the best way to go about this was to just directly answer each question.
1.
What are the
signs someone is toxic? The signs
typically involve a pattern of behavior although this is not always the
case. The pattern I am referring to is
when a person repeatedly engages in a behavior designed to take advantage of
you, make you feel badly about yourself, make you feel guilty, and make you
feel the life is being sucked out of you.
2.
What does it mean
to be toxic? It means the person has
been seriously damaged at some point in their life and maybe at several points
in their life. Rather than dealing with
their emotional pain internally, this person deals with their pain
externally. In other words, they are
spreading the pain and becoming an emotional cancer that will emotionally
devour you and even possibly destroy your life.
3.
What do toxic
people do to our lives? They can, if
allowed, actually take over your life.
You may find that everything in your life revolves around their dramas
and crises. A sense of entitlement may
develop and may develop quickly, such that you may be punished if you do not
rescue them or listen to them when it is demanded of you. Toxic people are typically master
manipulators and use guilt as part of their control.
4.
How does removing
them from our lives help? Removing toxic
people from our lives helps us have more stability in our lives, allows us to
develop healthy boundaries with people, and takes the contrived drama out of
our lives. It allows us to breathe
emotionally.
5.
Who deserves
another chance? If someone harms you
with the intent to harm you, think long and hard about keeping them in your
life. If you keep them in your life and
they intentionally harm you again, consider them malignant and cut them out of
your life. Remember, toxic people engage
in a pattern of abusive behavior. Anyone
can have an occasional slip. The
non-toxic person, however, will readily apologize and not blame you for their
behavior.
6.
What is the
difference between a person making a mistake or using poor judgement vs. a
person who is toxic? The toxic person
engages in patterns of dysfunctional, harmful, malignant behavior with an
intent to hurt you while someone just making a mistake or using poor judgement
will take full responsibility and learn from their mistakes and feel genuine
remorse for hurting you.
7. When do you put
someone out of your life? As soon as you realize they are toxic and have
overtaken your life.
8.
What does it mean
to cut out toxic people and what does that look like in how we handle ourselves
with or around them? Cutting out toxic
people is like cutting out emotional cancer.
As with any cancer, we cut it out and never take it back into our
lives. If you run into them, you can be
socially polite, but do not give them any information about yourself they can
use as ammunition to hurt you.
9.
Why do people
choose to keep people in their lives who they know are toxic and what does that
say about us? It means they may have
been trained by a toxic parent to tolerate toxicity in their lives and it is
expected. People may not know what it is
like to have non-toxic relationships.
How calm and beautiful it can be.
They may think toxic relationships are normal. Many people say that someone is their friend
and it is really only a relationship based on history versus a true
friendship. In a true friendship, the
friend does not abuse you, use you or manipulate you into feeling guilty and
doing whatever they want no matter what the cost to you.
10. What if you’re unsure a person is toxic? If it is a pattern of bad behavior with the
same tired excuses that tend to blame everyone but that person, the person is
toxic.
11. What if you don’t want to let go even if you know you
should? When we care about someone we
don’t want to let go. However, when we
make a decision that is healthy for us it tends to be healthy for the people
around us. In the long run, your toxic
person has to learn that they are the common denominator and they are the one
that needs help.
12. What if you want to let go but are afraid of backlash
or just don’t know how? There is really
only backlash if the other is in a power position over you. If this is a work relationship, document,
keep your paper trail, and maybe even look for a position in another company.
If the relationship is with a neighbor, just keep your distance. However, if the relationship involves family
or friends, you really need to consider cutting that person out of your
life. In these more intimate
relationships, it is not so much backlash as it is punishing and guilt
inducing, which really is more about their toxic agenda than it is about you.
13. What if you have to be around the toxic person, such
as at work, in the family, at church, or a neighbor? At work, see if you can transfer to another
department or look for another job, in your family keep an emotional distance
and don’t get involved in their drama, and with church and neighbors, be
superficially pleasant and nothing else.
If you can’t get away from the toxic person, don’t engage these people
or give them false hope for your involvement in their drama. They will eventually look for someone else to
rescue them.
14. Is it even possible for a person to start out benign but become toxic later in life?
Absolutely, but not the most typical.
Usually this type of dysfunction starts in childhood due to either or
both an unsafe physical environment and an unsafe emotional environment. Toxic people typically present as charming
and wonderful when we first meet them.
If they are really good, they will draw us in slowly so we are sucked in
to their drama before we even realize what is happening.
15. Can good people be toxic? No.
Toxic people appear to be good on the surface to suck you in. They do nice things for you and then when
they ask you for something, they remind you what they have done for you. Whatever they do for you will have strings
attached. Even if they apologize, they
find a way to make you feel guilty and wrong.
If their bad behavior does not seem intentional but happens frequently,
it is a pattern and a pattern of bad behavior is toxic.
When someone in your
life has a pattern of using you, making you feel guilty, disregarding your
needs, or making you feel like you are being sucked dry, they are toxic and you
are their prey. If you do not want to be
someone’s prey, don’t let them be your predator.
Thank you Dr. Greenberg. This is very helpful information! However, I have a concern that wasn't exactly covered here. You talked about family. That's a hard one for me! I come from an extremely close family. Over the past several years we have been effected by numerous tragedies and hardships that have caused each of us to grieve in different ways. My question is this. Is it possible that a person could be showing all the signs of being toxic just because they don't know how to handle their grief and they are just reaching out for the love, attention and affection that they feel they have lost, but are going about it in the wrong way? This person is a very loving and caring person at heart, but they are so negative and self centered at times that it has caused a major division not only in our family, but in their personal interactions with almost everyone they come in contact with as well. Healthy communication with this individual is almost impossible. Conversations, even when having nothing to do with them, always seem to turn to their personal drama. It is like walking on eggshells to avoid saying something that they might take the wrong way. This person becomes very easily offended and feels that they are insignificant, unloved and lack importance because other people are not capable of giving them the unrealistic amount of attention they feel they deserve. Because this person is so poor with the use of their own words, when they confront someone else, although unintentional, their words are always hurtful. So in a situation like this where the toxicity is potentially caused by grief, and you love them with all your heart and want to help them and rebuild the relationship you once had, but don't know how, should the situation be handled any differently than what you described above? I would appreciate your feedback and thank you in advance for your expert advice.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing and giving us such a wonderful, although sad example of toxicity. Grief does not cause a person to be toxic. Grief may bring out what was already there, especially if the person who passed away used to be the person that balanced out your toxic family member. Dividing family members is classically toxic. There are many ways to grieve, but hurting other people and demanding all the attention and stirring up drama is not grief, it is punishment. Grief may have just brought it closer to the surface. Even in the situation that you describe, it is best to distance and protect those that need protection, such as the children or vulnerable members of the family, and always including yourself in that.
DeleteMelissa Redding
ReplyDeleteI have cut friends, boyfriends, and family from my life. It's interesting to see how some of those toxic people became closer as I let them out of my life. I guess it's true when they say "Misery loves company."
I also feel bad for those who can't let go of toxic people. To many years I held on to people who did nothing but make me feel bad about me, my life is so much better without their BS. I know it's especially hard when it's someone you love, but you have to remind yourself that someone who treats you like that obviously doesn't truly love you... even family.
Thank you for your additional questions. You are right. People do grieve in very different ways. However, that being said, grieving does not cause one to be toxic. It can, however, bring to the surface toxicity that was already there. Maybe the person who passed away balanced the toxic relative out so their toxicity was more controlled. Most toxic people can be charming when they are trying to draw someone in and if grieving, the charming parts of their personality can be submerged. This family member may also be punishing people in the family because they are no longer happy and want everyone else to also be in pain. This is very toxic behavior. Unfortunately, you cannot make life good for this person that you love and sacrificing your happiness and your life will not help. Keep your emotional distance.
ReplyDelete