Emotional  Cancer

There is such a diversity of people in the world to interact with, admire, and get to know.  How do you choose and how do you get chosen to be in a relationship?  Each person has to get something out of the relationship.  Hopefully, each person is getting something positive out of the relationship.  People often come in to therapy in an attempt to figure out a relationship that is not going well or not feeling very good.  Sometimes the relationship involves a long history and the person feels they have to stay in that relationship and sometimes the relationship is fairly new, but already causing conflict of some type.  As we have discussed in previous blogs, people’s reactions are about themselves, even when in response to us or directed toward us.  No relationship is perfect, even if the relationship is perfect for us. This means there will be rough patches here and there, but hopefully they will be handled with mutual respect.  I think there are two main ingredients for a successful relationship.  The first is acceptance.  Acceptance of self and acceptance of others.  We are not perfect and while it seems obvious to accept this, it is not always so easy.  Without this acceptance, it is hard to acknowledge making a mistake, which makes it hard to apologize.  Without acceptance of others, we can be seen as critical and unappreciative.  Other people just may not do things the way we do, and we have to accept that and be ok with that.   I have seen more couples fight over how to load a dishwasher than I can count.  It is not about the dishwasher, but the need to control and be in control and be right.  If one person is right, the other person has to be wrong, and the relationship is no longer in balance.  However, if we accept that we just do things differently, we can both feel appreciated and empowered.  The second main ingredient is intent.  This is a very simple but powerful concept.  If someone’s intent toward us is good, and they mean us no harm, we can forgive a faulty delivery system in their communication just as if our intent is good, we want them to accept and forgive us our faulty delivery system.  When someone has a negative intent toward us, it means they have an intent to harm us in some way.  There are too many reasons and agendas to discuss in this setting.  To simplify, when someone, on a consistent and regular basis, criticizes you to put you down, manipulates you with guilt, and does not treat you with respect, kindness, and integrity, they are behaving in a malignant way toward you.  I call this emotional cancer.  As with any type of cancer, you need to cut it out of your life and put your energy into the people that really want to cherish their relationship with you.  Why spend time with people who want to hurt you and demean you in any way?  Life is too short to spend it being emotionally attacked.  It is much more fun and satisfying to be emotionally loved and cherished.

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