When Your Spouse's Ex Is Toxic

You get married to someone who has been married before and you are excited to be married and both excited and scared to be a step-parent.  You meet the children and you might even meet the ex-spouse and everyone is in the honeymoon phase.  Then slippage starts to occur and your step-child tells you they don’t have to listen to you because you are not their mother.  You ask them where that came from and they tell you that their mom told them that they don’t have to listen to you.  What do you do?  Your step-child tells you that it is your responsibility to buy them school supplies and new school clothes because you have all the money and their mom does not have any money.  You find out that mom was also the source of this mis-information.  What do you do?  You have your own child and your step-child tells you that you are spending all your money on that child which is why they don’t have what they need.  Yet again, the source is the ex-spouse.  What do you do?  Information is withheld from you and you don’t show up at an activity and the child tells you that you missed their game because you don’t really care about them and didn’t really want to go.  Maybe the ex-spouse does not show up for visitation and somehow that also becomes your fault.  What do you do?  These are scenarios and questions most therapists hear on a weekly if not daily basis.  There is no one right answer as it depends on your unique situation, the personalities involved, and the ages of the children.  Blending a family is never an easy process, but there are some general guidelines that might be helpful.  First, never bad mouth the ex-spouse as the ex is an integral part of that child.  At a level the child can understand, stay with the facts.  For example, if a step-child says they don’t have to listen to you because you are not their parent, agree with them that you are not their mom or dad, but you are a parent and you are an adult in charge, so they will have to listen.  Repeat this conversation with the child with you and your spouse both present, providing a united front.  If your step-child says you need to buy them school supplies and new school clothing because you have all the money, calmly and gently explain that you do not have all the money, the money is shared with mom, and you have  a back to school budget for them and will buy some of what they need, but not all.  Let them know that their mom will share in the expense.  If you miss an activity, let the child know that you were not aware and you will find out their schedule and will put it on your calendar.   

When a step-child asks why their biological parent did not show up, tell them that you don’t know and they will have to ask their parent the next time they talk.  Don’t make up excuses such as the parent was working because if you lie to a child, they will never believe you.  Since you can’t change how anyone behaves or acts, your only viable and healthy option is to change how you cope with that person.  Stay consistent with your step-child and function as a voice of reason and not as an emotional responder (no matter how much you would really like to say on the subject of their biological parent).  As your step-child sees your behavior, he or she will learn and realize that what they experience with you is not consistent with what the other parent is telling them and they will decide on what relationship they will have with each of you.  Best of luck and make sure you take some time for yourself.

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