Parenting Your High School Graduate/18 Year Old Adult

     Congratulations to you and your child graduating from High School.  After 13 years of hard work, your child has begun the true transition into adulthood.  So now what?  Some of you will have children go away to college, some will still live at home and go to a local college or vocational school, and some will enter the work force.  Your sons will receive a draft card in the mail and your daughters will insist that you can’t tell them how to dress.  How can you make this transition in a healthy way that allows your relationship with your children continue to grow and not deteriorate into frustration and resentment on both sides?

  The answer can be found in your communication.  Think of your 18 year old as a brand new adult, like a newly hired employee.  They still need some guidance and mentoring.  However, this has to be done in a way that is mutually respectful.  The best place to begin is with your expectations and this will depend on the history of you and your child.  Let’s assume you have had a relatively good relationship and you generally trust your child.  List out all your expectations of your child and have them list out their expectations of what is going to change in their life in terms of new responsibilities and privileges.  If your child is going away to college, work out a budget with them and be available to them when they have questions about how to deal with problems that arise.  Help them develop a budget as many children have never done this before.  Reinforce the rule of never drinking and driving or being a passenger with someone who is drinking. Talk about roommate etiquette.  Discuss how often you expect to communicate and/or if possible, how often you expect them to come home.  Please do not pick a major for your child.  That has to be their choice, good or bad.  You don’t want them to resent you later in life because they never got to explore a desired career path.  You don’t have to understand their interests, you have to support their choices.

     Things will probably be trickier if your new adult child lives at home. You will see things you may not want to see and will worry more because of it.  Again, sit down with your child and discuss your expectations and your child’s expectations.  For example, discuss curfews and how you will negotiate them.  Possibly your child will not really have a curfew, but you will want to know where they are and when they will be home.  Explain to them that this is a courtesy as you live together. Each of you need to know when to expect the other family member to be home.  If your child is working you need to discuss what expenses they take over and what you will still pay for.  If they don’t take care of their room, show them what you would like to see them do and also let them know that there will be times when you ask for their help as a family member and not a child.  Your job is to guide them and mentor them, not control them.  Allow them to make mistakes while still under the safety of your protection (within legal limits of course).  Communication and mutual respect will help your child navigate and grow into an independent adult more smoothly than rules and demands and punishments.

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