When Your Voice is NOT Heard: TOXIC PARENTS
There are, unfortunately, so many
different types of dysfunctional family systems that I cannot fit them all into
one blog. Today I am going to focus on
the adult who has parents that are dysfunctional and toxic. We expect our parents to be the people that
love us the most in the world. To have
our back and love us unconditionally.
Unfortunately, it does not always happen and many people stay in a state
of denial for many years. Some people
spend their adult lives trying to earn the approval of parents that are just
not capable of approval or unconditional love. Instead, they experience years
of guilt, pain, frustration, emotional abuse and manipulation, financial
burden, broken relationships, and chronic disappointment. At some point, many
people realize that their parents are highly dysfunctional and toxic, but they
don’t know what to do about it, how to heal some of the damage.
A relationship with toxic parents is
like an emotional and spiritual cancer.
This type of relationship is typically based on behaviors and
manipulations that are emotionally damaging, leaving you feeling guilty,
insecure, controlled and manipulated, threatened, and beaten down. It just does not feel safe. In a healthy relationship, the caring, love,
and respect is mutual and nurtured throughout the years. Compassion is freely given, without
manipulation or strings attached, such that both sides feel loved and
supported. Unlike other relationships, when the toxic person in the relationship
is a parent or parents, it can leave you feeling burdened and trapped. In most cultures, we are taught to respect
our parents. In most religions, we are
also taught to respect and honor our parents.
If a friend or spouse is abusive we are encouraged to leave. When contact is cut off with a parent, there
is much less support and understanding, especially from people who are blessed
with healthy parents. At this point, you may feel your guilt is on steroids and
dominating your life.
This is the person who gave you life
and raised you. They supplied all your
basic survival needs such as food, clothing, and shelter. They were supposed to give you unconditional
support. Unfortunately, for some, this
is the person who constantly criticized you, put you down, and manipulated you
with guilt. They lied to you and about
you, embarrassed you, sabotaged all your relationships, controlled you and
never seemed to let you go. Rather, they
trapped you and convinced you that you were at fault, inadequate,
unappreciative, and undeserving of love and respect. You may feel that if your own parents could
not love you that you must be unlovable.
Reasoning with a toxic parent does
not work! Sacrificing your life for a
toxic parent does not help as it is expected.
Being the perfect child does not help because the toxic parent is always
disappointed and wants something more.
These parents make sure you never develop a close relationship with
siblings or other family members or friends.
They keep you isolated so they can have more control over you. Toxic parents are an EMOTIONAL CANCER!
What do we do with cancer? We eradicate it and get it out of our
body. This is what we have to do with
toxic parents and any toxic person in our life.
These people suck the life force out of us and if we keep them in our
life, we have no joy and no quality of life.
Remember, your parents chose to have you and it was their job to raise
you and provide for you. That does not
mean you owe them every part of you and your life. To disconnect from parents you will have to
deal with guilt, grieve over the loss of the parents you wanted and deserved,
accept the disapproval of some family members, maybe even siblings, and most
importantly, setting strong boundaries.
How do you start? First comes the acceptance that you have a
toxic parent who is a destructive force in your life. Not only can you not change your parents, it
is not your job to change your parent.
The only person we can ever change is ourselves. Accept that your parents are damaged and
dangerous to you. Next, be very aware of
guilt and how your parents use guilt to manipulate and control you. They have most
likely been doing this to control you your entire life and they know exactly
what buttons to push.
When someone tries
to manipulate you through guilt, it is in their best interest, not yours. Acknowledge the guilt as manipulation which
will help you not buy into it. Very
importantly, if you cannot completely disconnect from your parents, limit your
contact with them as much as possible.
You are not responsible for their happiness or the consequences of their
choices. You do not owe them your
life. They are adults, as are you. You have to live for you, not your toxic
parents. Stop giving up your
relationships and your life goals to please parents that cannot be pleased. Give yourself permission to live your life
for you, with healthy and balanced relationships, mutual love and respect, and
balance and stability. If you can’t do
this on your own, do not hesitate to seek professional help as this is a very
difficult and challenging process.
