What is the Difference Between Pampered and Spoiled?

This is a question that I am often asked.  How much is too much when it comes to raising children?  This is a great question.  I am a big believer in pampering children.  After all, one is only a child for such a short time in life.  As both a psychologist and a mother, my rule of thumb has always been that children need to learn to appreciate what they have, they need to learn to share and give to others, and they absolutely need to learn and respect the concept of “no”.  The best way to pamper your child is to spend time with them and enter in to their world.  Play with them, watch shows and movies with them, and talk about what you watched and what was fun about their games.  When my children were little, we spent hours painting, making art with modeling clay, and building towns and forts with every kind of building toys and materials we had available.  We once built a roller coaster on the kitchen counter that had to stay there for over a year because it would fall apart if we started to take it down, and we just had too much fun playing with it to take it down, adults included. 

 Maybe give your young children an allowance, but instead of money, make a checkbook for them and teach them to add and subtract their money and be aware of their balance.  Also, even though it is their money, purchases must be approved by an adult and should not involve the purchase of food (such as unhealthy snacks).   Your child is capable of having an assigned chore even at a young age, but it should be easy and quick.  For example, a 5 or 6 year old can clear their place after dinner and bring their dirty clothes to the hamper or where ever you want them.  Each year, add a privilege and a responsibility.  Remember, they are still children and chores should not take more than 20 minutes on a week day and maybe 30 or 45 on a weekend if they are helping you with a task such as getting your patio area ready for summer.  

Teach your child to say “Thank you”, “Please”, “You’re Welcome”, and “Excuse Me”, and mean it.  These simple social skills will help them all of their lives.  If they are given a gift and will not use that item or already have that item, they should be able to say thank you, and be ready and willing to donate that new item to a good cause for use by children who don’t have as much.  Each birthday and holiday season, have them go through their belongings to donate and make room for new possessions.  Also, most importantly, be able to say “no” when they want something, even if you can afford it.  Your child does not need every electronic game system ever made and they do not need every update.  Your child does not need a cell phone until they are old enough to be by themselves.  If they are walking to and from a bus and you want them to call or text you regarding safety, great, but they don’t need the most up to date version of the latest and greatest smart phone. 

Your child does not need the most expensive clothing your mall sells.  Teach them moderation as they may not have your life style when they grow up, and if they achieve a greater life style than what they grew up within, they will understand the concept of balance and financial responsibility.  Teach your child how to save money, both for something they want and for later, like contributing to a car when they reach that age. 

 As your children age, continue to spend time with them and talk about what they see and hear and ask their opinion.  You will be amazed at how much they have learned from you.  You will know your child is not pampered when you see how grateful they are for what they have; when they accept that something is just not in the budget, and when they don’t ask for the moon on a regular basis.  

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           When A Friend Is Not A Friend

Several times a week I hear from patients that they are upset and disturbed by the behavior of a friend.  Usually a story unfolds about a friend who used them, abused them, and used them as back up.  One of the first things we do in therapy is define what is meant by a friendship.  In a true friendship, each person is there for the other in crisis or need, and the relationship does not become the crisis.  However, many people will call others “friend” based on a history of knowing the other person.  For example, having gone to school together, living in the same neighborhood for many years, or knowing each other because the two families have been friends.  A relationship based on history is not necessarily a friendship, but simply a long-term relationship.  Have you ever had a “friend” who would cancel plans with you because something better came up, and you were not included in those new plans?  How about the “friend” who borrows money or items, never returns them, but gets upset if you ask about a return?  The friend who stole your boyfriend or girlfriend may have done you a favor by stealing the relationship (which couldn't have been so great or it would not have been stolen), but a real friend would never even entertain such a thought.  In a real friendship, you respect each other’s boundaries and have each other’s back.  If you are in a relationship in which you repeatedly suffer and feel taken advantage of or abused, IT IS NOT A FRIENDSHIP!  You need boundaries that do not allow other people to use and abuse you.  You can still be a good person and protect yourself, surround yourself with healthy people who respect you and eliminate unhealthy people from your life, stand up for yourself, and even say “no”.  Ask yourself what you are getting out of this so called friendship.  In a true friendship, both people should feel they are getting something special from the association.  Respect yourself and walk away from relationships that are one-sided and abusive so you will have the mental energy to develop healthier relationships with other potential friends.

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When You Think Your Adult Son Is Gay

I have met many parents over the years who have had a strong suspicion their adult son was gay and have waited years for their son to disclose this to them.  Even though a homosexual lifestyle is much more accepted these days, many young men are fearful of losing their families if their life style is not accepted.  They do not want their parents to be angry or disappointed and it is very scary for them.  Your son might tell you that they have a room mate and not a life partner, but you are never invited over to their home and your son never brings his room mate with him to your home.  Some young men tell their parents they are dating, but it is never serious enough to bring them home to meet mom and dad.  They may have a long term girlfriend you have met, but it does not seem like a romantic relationship to you; rather, they just seem like really good friends.

Many parents have shared with me that they have suspected their son was gay from a very young age, sometimes as young as three years old.  They will give examples of their son liking traditionally female activities, having a lot of female friends but no male friends, and being somewhat effeminate in their presentation.  If you strongly suspect your son may be gay, and you feel you have a good relationship with them, just ask them if they are gay.  You may want to start by telling them that if you ever had a gay child you would be fine with that as you only want your child to be happy.  If they do not follow up on that parental lead, try the direct approach and ask them.  Often times your child does not want to lie to you directly and will be relieved to let you know what is really going on in their life.  If you tell them you just want to be part of their life and will accept their partner, their life, as well as yours, will be richer for the disclosure. 

 If any of your other children have trouble accepting that their brother is gay, work with them to understand that as part of the family, all are loved and accepted.  Most siblings do not appear to have a major issue these days.  Grandparents may be a different story.  Some are very accepting and some are not.  You know your parents best and you may have to direct your son on the best path and timing for disclosure.  For those of you who are not as accepting or comfortable with having a gay child, being homosexual is not a choice or a mental illness and there is no treatment to make your son straight.  The best you can do for your child is accept and love them for who and what they are.  Although we are talking about sons, this advice also applies to daughters.

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Helping Your Child Deal With A Teacher Bully

Typically, when we think of our child being bullied at school, we assume it is another child.  However, sometimes it may be a teacher.  Emotional bullying can be subtle, and sometimes direct.  In Grade School, negative behaviors and attitudes may be directed toward a child who is difficult, may be not attentive, or just not as fast as other children in the class.  In Middle School and High School teachers have more flexibility in how they interact with the children, but a constant and consistent pattern of interaction with a targeted child is still considered abuse. Children often feel they can not stand up for themselves without getting into more trouble. Here are some complaints children and their parents have shared with me in sessions:

Teacher tells student they are lazy.

Teacher tells student they are irritating.

Teacher tells student they are annoying.

Teacher tells student teaching them is a waste of time.

Teacher tells student they feel they are better than the other students.

Teacher tells student they are average at best and the teacher is disappointed in them.

Teacher tells student they do not deserve the teacher.

Teacher yells, curses, and throws objects in class.

Teacher calls the entire class they are sub-average and a waste of time. 

An occasional lapse by a teacher is not typically considered abuse.  Abuse is a pattern of behavior in which one or more select students are targeted by the teacher.  At times, it can be an entire class.  However, there are options for dealing with this situation.  The first step is for the parent to contact the teacher and discuss that their child feels targeted and you are trying to figure out what is going on.  Many teachers will deny any wrongdoing, but once they realize the child has disclosed to the parent and the parent is now involved, that is enough to stop the abusive pattern.  If talking with the teacher in a rational and cooperative way does not work, it is time to set up a meeting with the teacher and the guidance counselor at the school and see what can be done to help the teacher student relationship.  A parent has much more power within the school system than they may realize and can work their way up to the principal and even the school board, although it is very rare to have to climb this high on the ladder of authority.  Once you get to the level of assistant principal, you can typically have your child transferred to another class.

All this being said, make sure your child is being honest with you before you go out on a limb for them.  If they are contributing to the problem with disrespect or “bad behavior”, than your job in defending them and intervening for them will be much more difficult as the tendency will be for the school to emphasize the child’s behavior and not the teacher’s behavior.  However, even if the child is contributing to the problem, it does not give the adult teacher permission to become emotionally abusive.  If a teacher becomes abusive, it is not uncommon for classmates to follow suite.  Stay calm, be the voice of reason, and most adults in authority will listen to you and will want your child to have a good experience in their school.

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Coping With Chronic Illness

While none of us want to hear that we have a chronic illness, it does not mean that life is over.  What it does mean, however, is that we need to make some adjustments in order to have a satisfying and full life.  How we deal with a chronic illness depends on so many factors, such as our age, the nature of the illness, our support system, our current life style, our personality and our expectations.  Since there are so many different combinations of factors, there is not just one way to overcome and learn to co-exist with whatever illness we are dealing with.  If we are dealing with chronic pain, depending on our pain tolerance, the type and location of the pain, and whether we have successful pain management, we may be more or less limited in what we are able to do.  Whatever your limitations, work with them and learn to co-exist with them rather than letting your life be totally controlled.  For example, some of my patients have been sad at the thought they might not be able to travel because of chronic pain or the need to take medical equipment with them on  a trip. If you want to travel, you might have to modify your destination and you might have to extend your trip so you can take rest days in between your active days.  Cruises are great for this because you typically have sea days in between port days, allowing you to still enjoy your trip, but providing a lot of time to rest and enjoy. If you want a physically active vacation, it might have to be time limited or the activities might have to be modified.  

Many patients have resisted the idea of using a wheel chair to navigate the airport.  However, the use of the wheel chair is just a tool that allows you to conserve your energy for the actual vacation or event of the day.  Once you turn around your thinking and see the wheel chair as a tool versus a sign of loss or vulnerability, the world and its possibilities will open up to you.  Maybe you don’t have chronic pain, but have a disease such as diabetes or crohn’s disease and now you have to modify your eating and exercise. Healthy food does not have to taste horrible.  Give yourself permission to learn new cooking styles.  There are so many free web sites with recipes to try, as well as many books to read on the subject of healthy eating.  When  eating out, most restaurants will accommodate you if you make a request.  As a paying customer, it is your right to at least ask what they can do for you.  Exercise. People seem to either love it or hate it.  First you need to accept that exercise will, in the long run, make you feel better.  Decide if you like to be in a group setting, such as a class, or by yourself. Do you want to work out alone or with a trainer or a friend or family member?  Do you want to walk/jog, or do you want to dance?  There are as many exercise options out there as you could possibly imagine.  The most important factor is to find something you actually like versus something you just tolerate.  In addition to thinking outside the box, remember, you are not your disease. You may have a chronic problem, but that does not have to define who you are.  You do not need to be embarrassed about what you have.  If you are comfortable with who you are and do not apologize for whatever accommodations you need, other people will be comfortable and treat your issue in a matter of fact way. And if they don’t, their reaction is really about them and not about you.  Be proud and live your life as best you can.  To get you started, see our link for some healthy recipe suggestions.

Healthy Recipes

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Coping With A New Baby

We are finally back after several weeks of not attending to our blog.  Our IT department, consisting of Rachel, just had a new baby girl.  We warmly welcome our new office baby, Addison.  That being said, it seemed like a good idea to talk about adjusting to a new baby, especially when it is the first child.  Whether your baby is planned, a happy accident, or a scary accident, there is still going to be a major adjustment.  Embrace the time you have with your child as an infant and toddler is actually quite brief and you can never recapture those times.  Obviously, your first adjustment was to your pregnancy.  Some women are blessed with an easy pregnancy and some are not.  If you had a rough pregnancy, separate that experience from the birth of your child.  It was not their fault or your fault; pregnancy is a medical condition and any medical condition can be smooth or rough.  The biggest adjustment that most people complain about is the lack of sleep, fatigue, and lack of opportunity to be spontaneous.  Sleep when your baby sleeps and challenge the guilt you might be feeling about sleeping during the day.  You need to catch up when and how you can.  The fatigue is related to the trauma your body has been through and your current lack of sleep.  

You are also going through some hormonal changes.  If you do not have someone to help you with the baby so you and your partner can get out, plan some outings that you can do with the baby.  It is not healthy to stay in the house all the time.  Strolls in the park or a walk through the mall are good options.  My favorite option was always the book store.  Postpartum depression is another issue faced by many women.  There are many different manifestations of depression from going through the motions and just not enjoying anything, to feeling hopeless and suicidal.  Many women feel guilty that they do not feel bonded to their infant.  It is not a lack of bonding, but an inability to feel pleasure.  Please do not look at this as a character weakness.  Your body has just been inhabited and vacated by an alien being and your body is trying to adjust and may just need a little help.  Yes, you may be able to tough it out, but why be depressed and/or anxious for six to twelve months when there is help readily available.  In addition to medication, therapy can also be very helpful with building your confidence and coping skills.  Babies and toddlers can be a lot of fun if you just let yourself go with the moment.  Seeing the world through new eyes is a real treat. 

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Helping Your ADHD Child

When parents bring in their children diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, one of the first things they want to know is if there is any help for their child in addition to medication.   There is so much help for your child, at every age. The general theme for your child is to provided structure and consistency in all your routines.  For example, when your child gets home from school, have an established routine that you and your family follow.  It may be as basic as changing clothes, eating a snack, doing a chore, and then starting on the homework. Homework should be set up in a quiet part of the house, without clutter.  This can be either at a desk, or even a dining room table. Your child will do best if it is always the same place in the house. For children in grade school and middle school, you may have to sit with them as they do their work.  But even if you do not do that, review your child’s agenda with them, make sure they have all the materials available for homework and/or projects, and help them organize the order in which they do their work.  After each completed assignment, go over it with them, point out mistakes and have them correct the work.  

All completed work should go into a homework folder that they take to each class and never leave in their cubby, desk, or locker.  If they have to study for a test, do not wait until the day before.  Help your child schedule the study time across a few days, starting with reading and reviewing, and the day before, testing them on the material so they actually learn how to study.  Projects should be scheduled out with your child so they do not try and get it all done the night before.  Do not do the work for your child because then they are losing a learning experience, and they are learning that you will rescue them. Some teachers will schedule out sections of the project, but if not, you can do this with your child.  Make sure everything is in its proper place and packed up and ready for the morning before you consider homework completed.  For children who seem to be coping with their medication wearing off just at homework time, talk with your Doctor about a small dose of medication to get them through homework.  If you are ambivalent about this, I understand.  However, it is much worse for your child if they can not complete their assignments and fall behind their class.  It is detrimental to their academics, but more importantly, it may become detrimental to their self esteem and confidence.  If you have a child who is just too distracted to do homework at home, you might have to take them somewhere to complete homework before going home from school.  Give them a snack and then take them to the local library, bookstore, park, or anyplace you feel they will be comfortable and not overly distracted.  Do not go home until everything is organized into their back pack for the new school day.If their room is a mess, help them organize the room in a very simple way.  Bins are great for grouping toys together.  Organize with them as many ADHD children really have no idea how to organize and it is a skill that may take years to develop.  Don’t tell your child to clean up their room and really expect it to be picked up.  Sit in their room with them and either tell them what to do task by task, or do it with them (not for them).  Be patient, your ADHD child is capable of learning general management skills and study skills; it will take more time than with the average child.  However, it is so worth the patience and the wait.

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