When You Think Your Adult Son Is Gay

I have met many parents over the years who have had a strong suspicion their adult son was gay and have waited years for their son to disclose this to them.  Even though a homosexual lifestyle is much more accepted these days, many young men are fearful of losing their families if their life style is not accepted.  They do not want their parents to be angry or disappointed and it is very scary for them.  Your son might tell you that they have a room mate and not a life partner, but you are never invited over to their home and your son never brings his room mate with him to your home.  Some young men tell their parents they are dating, but it is never serious enough to bring them home to meet mom and dad.  They may have a long term girlfriend you have met, but it does not seem like a romantic relationship to you; rather, they just seem like really good friends.

Many parents have shared with me that they have suspected their son was gay from a very young age, sometimes as young as three years old.  They will give examples of their son liking traditionally female activities, having a lot of female friends but no male friends, and being somewhat effeminate in their presentation.  If you strongly suspect your son may be gay, and you feel you have a good relationship with them, just ask them if they are gay.  You may want to start by telling them that if you ever had a gay child you would be fine with that as you only want your child to be happy.  If they do not follow up on that parental lead, try the direct approach and ask them.  Often times your child does not want to lie to you directly and will be relieved to let you know what is really going on in their life.  If you tell them you just want to be part of their life and will accept their partner, their life, as well as yours, will be richer for the disclosure. 

 If any of your other children have trouble accepting that their brother is gay, work with them to understand that as part of the family, all are loved and accepted.  Most siblings do not appear to have a major issue these days.  Grandparents may be a different story.  Some are very accepting and some are not.  You know your parents best and you may have to direct your son on the best path and timing for disclosure.  For those of you who are not as accepting or comfortable with having a gay child, being homosexual is not a choice or a mental illness and there is no treatment to make your son straight.  The best you can do for your child is accept and love them for who and what they are.  Although we are talking about sons, this advice also applies to daughters.

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