Acting Out Teenagers  

    

            There are so many different variables that go in to a teenager’s behavior.  Their personality, mental health, family history, and personal experiences.  Today we are referring to a teen that does not have a mental illness, but has not had a conventional family.  Typically I am asked by single moms how to help their teen regulate their impulsive behavior.  Some teens are able to do great at school but make very poor decisions in their personal life, and other teens seem to sabotage school as well as their personal lives.  Let’s look at the teenager who is impressed with themselves and their advanced age of 15 through 18.  Have you met the teenager who wants to be treated as an adult, but wants none of the responsibilities of an adult? If yes, than this blog is for you.  Did you buy your teen a car or do they have access to a car?  A car is a privilege that most teens do not have.  If your teen cannot drive responsibly, than they are not yet mature enough for a car and you need to take it away for at least 6 months.  If they are drinking and/or smoking marijuana in the car, then take it away permanently.  They may hurt themselves or someone else.  If they feel they can stay out as late as they want, not call home or answer your calls, or come and go as they please, than maybe you need to give them exactly what they are asking for.  In other words, if they want the privileges of being an adult, hand over the responsibilities.  Do not pay for anything extra.  

As an adult, you are being very generous to allow them to live with you rent free and board free.  The rest is up to them.  They will need to pay for and arrange their own transportation, do their own laundry and cook their own meals, clean their own room, and pay for their own extras (such as a cell phone).  If that seems too extreme or hands off for you, than you can take the opposite approach and the more they act out, the more controlling you become.  For example, pick them up from school, do not let them ride with friends, do not let them out on a school night, let them out on a weekend only after you have talked to the other parents and you have arranged a time to pick them up.  If they blow you off (as they probably will), try my original approach.  Sit down with them and let them know that since they are not letting you parent them, you will not parent them, but because you love them, they can live at home and have free food.  Everything else is on their dime and their time.  Teach them how to do laundry, show them how to get a bus schedule or show them where you have stored their bicycle.  Do not give them a phone (they will find a phone to borrow if they really want or need one), money, or a car.  Let’s see if they would like to go back to being a teen without adult responsibilities, as long as they follow the teen rules you have set up.  Also, when (not if) they threaten to move out, let them know that you love them and they are welcome to live with you and your rules, but if they want to live on their own, you understand.  Then sit down and help them make a budget and explain why you will not be co-signing any contracts for them).  Let them see how much it costs to live independently and then they can decide if they want to move out.  I often explain to teens that following the rules is like paying rent, only it costs them time and respect versus money.  As you do all this, do it with love and not anger.  

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