Stress Busters

Let’s face it.  We live in a stressful culture with an emphasis on being able to do everything all the time and making it look easy.  Work full time, take care of the house, spend time with your spouse, your children, your friends, your family, and yourself.  Unless you have a day stretcher and find a way to get more than the allotted 24 hours, it is just not possible to be all things to all people all the time.  Here is a list of some general guidelines and suggestions that may help you achieve more balance in your life with the result that you feel less stress and pressure.

1.      Every morning, take 5 minutes to breathe deeply and stretch your body.

2.      Eat a healthy breakfast that includes non-processed foods and drink some water.

3.   Whether at work or at home, take a 10-minute break and stretch, drink some water, and smile.  Smiling makes us feel happier.

4.    Take time to eat a healthy lunch.  If you can’t buy a lunch, bring a healthy lunch with you.  If the weather is nice, sit outside to eat your lunch.  At the end of your lunch, stretch and drink some water.

5.   Don’t watch the clock and wish your work day over, which is the equivalent of wishing your life away.  Instead, focus on what you are doing and enjoy that moment.  If you hate your job, give yourself permission to find a new job. 

6.    Find something in your day that makes you smile and share it with someone else.  Smiling can be contagious. 

7.      Have dinner together as a family.  It is the best time of the day when everyone can share their day and have that bonding time.  If your children are old enough, invite them to help you prepare dinner.  Many children enjoy this activity and you can have wonderful conversations with you child, learning more about them and their views on life.

8.      Take some time every evening after the children are in bed to have a conversation with your spouse that does not involve sitting in front of the TV.  It is a good time to share your day and any ideas you have about family and/or fun things to do.

9.      Go to bed early and allow yourself to get 8 to 9 solid hours of sleep.  A good sleep is one of the best stress busters you will ever experience.  Most of us tend to be very sleep deprived, which can lead to depression, irritability, decreased concentration and attention, lack of motivation, and even feelings of withdrawal.  Sleep also enhances our physical health which contributes to our overall sense of well-being.

10.  Get out of the house every weekend and don’t just get caught up in chores and things you feel you have to do.  A few hours out of the house can reduce your stress level immeasurably, especially if you are doing something fun or relaxing. 

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My Relationship is Comfortable, But Stale

I love my wife/husband, but…… I hear this on a weekly basis.  Sometimes relationships become stale due to predictability and sometimes due to the focus being on children and not on the couple.  If you have been together long enough to become predictable, first, congratulations.  Second, talk with your partner about stirring things up.  What did you used to like to do together and what would you like to do now?  Many times couples will tell me that they just do not have the money to do the things they would like to do.  If that applies to you, look for the free and the inexpensive things to do in your community.  For example, many communities have free or inexpensive concerts, plays and shows put on through cultural centers, monthly main street events and food tastings, etc.  Some libraries show old movies for free and you can always rent a movie and invite some friends to share the movie and some popcorn in your family room.  Parks and beaches are free and you usually only have to pay for parking.  It can be fun to sit at a marina and look at the boats.  Go to a local lake and feed the ducks.  Get a cup of coffee or tea after dinner rather than at home.  Play miniature golf or play a round of bowling.  Talk about when and how to initiate sex now that the kids are older and maybe out of the house.  If your children are young, co-opt babysitting with a friend and watch each other’s’ children once a month so you do not have to pay a babysitter.  You might decide to not even leave the house but have a nice, uninterrupted dinner plus whatever follows that. If money is not the issue, but you are in a rut, make a list with your partner of all the things you would like to check out that are both local and maybe involve some travel.

Check in to a hotel for a weekend close to home if you do not want to travel.  Play strip poker with each other and see where that leads.  It is up to you to be creative and invite your partner to be creative with you.
Try a restaurant you have never tried or anything else you have not tried.  You may decide to go kayaking or go to a local museum.  Maybe you will join a walking or bicycle club together or possibly work with a personal trainer together.  Maybe you can take a class together and work on a project together.   Whatever it is that you decide to do, shake it up and make a concerted effort to do the things on your couples bucket list.

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Cutting

     Cutting yourself is never good.  It is a dangerous and dysfunctional way of coping with stress and emotional pain.  Why do people cut themselves?  Some claim that the physical pain replaces the emotional pain and makes them feel better. Others report that it is self-punishment for real and perceived faults and “crimes”.  Whatever your reason, you will have a very difficult time stopping if you do not develop more effective coping skills to replace the cutting.  Try to intervene before you reach for the knife or razor.  Make a list of your safe people and reach out to one of them and talk about what is hurting you.  Sometimes just the act of sharing can help so you do not feel so alone.  Also think about activities you can do to distract yourself from the urge to cut until the urge passes.  Journaling, music (upbeat only), art, and physical activity can often be positive diversions. 

Seek out therapy and work through the issues that are causing you so much pain.  Therapy is also helpful to make you feel less alone and isolated.  Make a contract with a trusted person that you will call them rather than cut and the person you call will listen and not criticize.  Remember, cutting leads to physical and emotional pain, not pain resolution.  Whatever your issues, you do not deserve to be punished by cutting and you will not relieve your pain by cutting.  Learning to accept yourself and building confidence is your greatest defense against emotional pain. 

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Being Single is not a Crime

 Some people embrace being single and others find it scary and lonely.  Which category you fit into depends on your outlook and interpretation of what single means.  If you interpret single as meaning alone, lonely, and unwanted, just waiting for life to start, then you will most likely experience a host of negative emotions.  However, if you look at single as just where your life is right now and accept and embrace it, you will most likely live richly.  Whether single or in a relationship, it is your responsibility to make your life have meaning.   You have to be the proactive person in guiding your life.  Reach out to people by doing the things you like and exploring activities you think you might be interested in.  Join a club or an organization, take up a sport, and go to events in your community. 

You are more likely to meet someone with similar interests if you do the things you like.  Also, as you gain in confidence you are more likely to meet someone else who is healthy and confident.  Whatever you do, don’t settle.  Selecting a life partner is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your life.  Do you really want to spend your life with someone you don’t really love or respect?  That would be so unfair to both of you.  Patients often ask me, “What if I never meet anyone?”  If you never meet anyone you want to spend your life with, accept it and go on and make your life amazing.  When you work on expanding and enjoying your life and bringing meaning to your life, so may opportunities will open up to you that you probably can’t even imagine right now. If you are embarrassed or ashamed about being single, challenge those negative thoughts.  The best way to challenge those thoughts is to look for evidence in your own life to support the meaning your life has.  Make a list of things you want to experience and places you want to visit.  You have to be the one to make your life worth living, not someone else.

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Dating Rules For Success

1.      Do not pretend to be someone other than who you are.  If you don’t like heights, don’t agree to go bungee jumping just because you told your date that you won an award for bungee jumping.  Pretending can get you into all sorts of trouble.

2.      Do not pretend to like something that you do not like.  If you don’t like brussel sprouts, don’t pretend as you could spend the rest of your life trying to feed them to your dog or hiding them in nearby house plants.

3.      Do not complain about your current or past dates or your life. Nobody likes a whiner.

4.      Do not talk badly about other people.  If you do talk badly about others, your date that you like so much, may be wondering what you will say about him/her and there may not be a second date.

5.      Be kind.  Kindness is under rated and people of all backgrounds respond positively to kindness.

6.      Be interested.  Everyone has a story.  Really.  Any story can be interesting if you listen.  And if it is not interesting, than share your interesting stories.  At least you will get practice talking about yourself.  When their eyes glaze over, it is probably time to move on to another topic.

7.      Be patient, as your date may be nervous.  Nervousness is cute and tells you that the date is important to the other person.

8.      If asked what you would like to do, make a couple of suggestions.  Have a couple of ideas for later in the date that don’t involve a lot of money.  That shows consideration on your part.

9.      Ladies, eat something.  Everyone knows that females do eat. Guys, don’t comment on what she is eating.  This is self-explanatory and if you don’t get it you may not deserve a second date.

10.  Thank your date for the date and let them know if you are interested in seeing them again.   If you don’t drop a hint, like “I look forward to seeing you again” or “It is ok for you to call me again”, your date may not realize you enjoyed yourself.

11.  Do not have unrealistic expectations of this date.  It is just a date.  For those of you with some co-dependency issues, a date is just a date and not a lifelong commitment.

12.  Follow your instincts about another date.  If your instincts say yes, go out again.  If your instincts say no, do not go out again.  It is important to trust yourself.

13.  Ask questions, don’t just talk about yourself.  If you monopolize the conversation, you may come across as boring and narcissistic and you miss the opportunity to get to know more about the other person. 

14.  Be on time.  This is a pet peeve for many people and can kill a second date.

15.  Be courteous.  Old fashioned though it may be, “thank you” and “excuse me” still go a long way in impressing other people that you have some social consideration.

16.  It is reasonable to date multiple people, but don’t discuss other dates with your current date and once monogamous, outside dating is discouraged.  This is self-explanatory.

17.  Expect the man to pay, but offer to contribute.  If he takes your money, he may not merit a second date.  This is an individual decision, but I think the guy should show you that he is really interested and also generous. 

18.  Let the man make the initial date.  Hints are fine. “We should get together some time” is a good old standby.

19.  Don’t have sex on the first date.  You don’t really know who you are with yet and what are you telling the other person?  You are telling them that you don’t really respect yourself.

20.  If you have children, don’t keep it a secret.  Children are part of a package and some people are just not interested in a package.  

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How do I find a therapist?

     There are many different therapists out there to choose from.  Some are wonderful and some are not so wonderful.  The first step is to make an attempt at clarifying for yourself what you want to accomplish in therapy.  For example, do you want help with depression or anxiety, or do you really need a diagnostic workup because you suspect the problem but are not really sure?  Do you need help and guidance dealing with an external issue, such as a work struggle or friendship issue?  Do you lack the confidence or self-esteem you feel you should have?  Are there past childhood issues that need to be resolved or are you experiencing marital conflicts?  The second step is to decide if you want individual, couple, or family therapy?  The third step is to do some research on the different types of therapy that are being offered from psychoanalysis to cognitive behavioral therapy, with many options in-between.  Next, be open and honest with your Primary Care Physician (PCP) as that is the first place to obtain a referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist.  Your Dr. probably knows a few mental health professional that he/she can recommend, which is better than just picking out a name from an insurance list.  If your Dr. can’t make a recommendation for you, than call your insurance company and get a list.  Try and look up the professionals on the list and get a feel for their specialty.  It does not make sense to want couples counseling and find out in the first session that the therapist you chose does not do couples counseling.  

When you call to make your first appointment, be clear with the office staff about what you are looking for.  It is also reasonable to have a preference for either a male or female psychologist.  If you know a family member or friend who is seeing someone, that is sometimes the best recommendation because your family and friends will be honest with you about whether or not the therapy seems professional and helpful.  All that being said, therapy is like dating.  If you don’t click with the first psychologist or psychiatrist, meet with another one.  You can be a wonderful person and the therapist can be a wonderful therapist, but the chemistry just may not click and much of the therapy is intertwined with the personality of the therapist.  Also, for those of you who are not sure, a psychiatrist is a medical doctor and treats with medication (also called the biological approach) and the psychologist treats with talk therapy. Therapy is a safe place to work on resolving whatever issues you want to address, and don’t worry, the therapist has heard it all before and you will not shock them.   

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No Children, No Carbohydrates, Not Retired

    Many people call this the empty nest syndrome and it can hit a person at many different stages in life.  In some ways, it may be more difficult for the individual who had their children later in life.  This is very common among professional women.  You may have spent your twenties and early thirties developing your career and then you decided to have children.  Now you are in your fifties and your last child is leaving for college and you have to decide what to do with the rest of your life.  Unlike your younger counterpart, you do not have twenty to thirty working years ahead of you, but maybe only ten or fifteen.  Have you stayed in your career all along and do you want to ramp it up or slow it down?  Did you stop working and now feel you need a sense of productivity and meaning in your life and if so, how and where to start?  There really are no right or wrong answers.  Everyone has to find the answer that works best for them.  Whatever direction you go, realize that life is not over.  Your children still need you, just in a different way.  You need to play with ideas of what you might want to do.  The career you had before children may no longer seem attractive to you or you may need to be retrained and just not feel that is what you want to do. Do you want a career or a fun job?  If you really want a career, begin to do your research and weigh all your options.  I have met people who have gone to graduate school after children have left and I have met people who left careers and taken on part time, low stress jobs that they loved. 

I have also met people that enjoyed volunteering and people who embraced an early retirement.  Just don’t sit home and wallow.  Think about the things you did not have time to do while raising children.  Get healthy, eat better, find exercise you actually like, and take a class or pursue a hobby.  Your post children life can go in so many different directions.  If you don’t like the one you are in, pursue another one.  Life is not over.  You are at the beginning of   a new chapter.

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