Emotional  Cancer

There is such a diversity of people in the world to interact with, admire, and get to know.  How do you choose and how do you get chosen to be in a relationship?  Each person has to get something out of the relationship.  Hopefully, each person is getting something positive out of the relationship.  People often come in to therapy in an attempt to figure out a relationship that is not going well or not feeling very good.  Sometimes the relationship involves a long history and the person feels they have to stay in that relationship and sometimes the relationship is fairly new, but already causing conflict of some type.  As we have discussed in previous blogs, people’s reactions are about themselves, even when in response to us or directed toward us.  No relationship is perfect, even if the relationship is perfect for us. This means there will be rough patches here and there, but hopefully they will be handled with mutual respect.  I think there are two main ingredients for a successful relationship.  The first is acceptance.  Acceptance of self and acceptance of others.  We are not perfect and while it seems obvious to accept this, it is not always so easy.  Without this acceptance, it is hard to acknowledge making a mistake, which makes it hard to apologize.  Without acceptance of others, we can be seen as critical and unappreciative.  Other people just may not do things the way we do, and we have to accept that and be ok with that.   I have seen more couples fight over how to load a dishwasher than I can count.  It is not about the dishwasher, but the need to control and be in control and be right.  If one person is right, the other person has to be wrong, and the relationship is no longer in balance.  However, if we accept that we just do things differently, we can both feel appreciated and empowered.  The second main ingredient is intent.  This is a very simple but powerful concept.  If someone’s intent toward us is good, and they mean us no harm, we can forgive a faulty delivery system in their communication just as if our intent is good, we want them to accept and forgive us our faulty delivery system.  When someone has a negative intent toward us, it means they have an intent to harm us in some way.  There are too many reasons and agendas to discuss in this setting.  To simplify, when someone, on a consistent and regular basis, criticizes you to put you down, manipulates you with guilt, and does not treat you with respect, kindness, and integrity, they are behaving in a malignant way toward you.  I call this emotional cancer.  As with any type of cancer, you need to cut it out of your life and put your energy into the people that really want to cherish their relationship with you.  Why spend time with people who want to hurt you and demean you in any way?  Life is too short to spend it being emotionally attacked.  It is much more fun and satisfying to be emotionally loved and cherished.

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My Boyfriend Keeps Lying To Me

 In the past 30 years, I have asked on about a weekly basis how to handle a boyfriend that keeps getting caught in lies.  Let’s start with what constitutes the basic foundation of a good relationship.  In a healthy relationship both people bring with them trust, honesty, integrity, kindness, generosity, the ability to share and compromise, and a positive intent.  If you want to be happy, you have to also want your partner to be happy.  If your partner is lying to you, you need to ask yourself why.  Are they afraid to tell you the truth?  If they are afraid to tell you the truth, have you contributed to that in any way or are they just putting themselves first before the relationship?  Are they lying about money, where they have been and who they have been with, or why they cancelled their date with you or just didn’t show up?  Are they lying about work, school, drugs?  Bottom line, if your partner is lying to you, they are not bringing honesty and integrity into the relationship.  They are not being kind or generous and their intent toward you is not positive.  The first lie you catch, you need to sit down with your partner and find out what was happening and what their reasoning was.  You need to then let them know that lying will not work for you and will be a deal breaker.  It is important that you mean this.  If after this communication and hopefully agreement to be honest, you catch them in another lie, you need to end the relationship and move on.  This may seem drastic to you, but do you really want to spend your life with someone that you can’t trust?  Do you really want to always be watching and questioning?  It is an awful way to live and erodes confidence and self-esteem.  Wish them well and move on and enhance your potential for a happy life.  What we are discussing is a form of boundary setting.  The boundary is not allowing malignant people into your life to suck the energy out of you.  Put your energy into the people that will add to your life as you add to their life. 

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Holidays and Children

It is that time of year.  Holidays and family and friends and food and shopping and celebrating and trying to decide what is all right to give to children and what is over the top.  This topic actually comes up a lot in therapy.  I think there are many ways to make the holidays about appreciation and giving and sharing, not just receiving.  If your child (children) are like many children in our culture, they have so many toys they don’t even know what to play with.  It is hard for them to even have a favorite.  In our times of electronics, our children are also missing out on basic toys that are still a lot of fun.  If your children make a wish list, explain to them that it is a wish list and not a guaranteed list.  Also explain to them that even Santa will not give them things on their list that are not age appropriate or logistically reasonable, such as a water side in your patio.  Have your children write out some of the holiday cards and even help with holiday baking.  Go through all their toys and any that are kindly used that they no longer want, wrap up and donate.  There are many shelters and foster homes that can really use those toys.  Have your child earn a few dollars and buy a new gift to donate.  If your child receives any duplicates or items they do not really want, request that they do not open them, they can be donated as well, even if it is after the holidays.  

This also makes room for their new items.  Teach your child to write thank you notes; a lost art, but one that is still very much appreciated by the recipient.  If old enough, have your child go with you to a food pantry or shelter to help feed the homeless.  It is so important that children who have a lot grow up appreciating what they have and grow up with a sense of sharing versus a sense of entitlement.  The question I am asked the most is about electronics.  Does your child need the newest version of everything?  I think not.  If your child has an I-phone 4, they really do not need an I-phone 5.  I’m not sure they really needed the I-phone 4 to begin with.  Remember, if you give your child everything now, what do they have to look forward to or work toward?  Also, if they are not as monetarily as successful as you, life may be bitter for them.  If you want to buy them the new model of something, great, but maybe not the new model of everything they own.  And by the way, when they get that new board game and don’t have any idea how to play it because it does not have an on button, play it with them.  Happy Holidays and a safe New Year to all.

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Don't Eat Your Feelings

We eat for so many reasons.  We eat because we are hungry, bored, happy, sad, lonely, and as a celebration.  Our associations with food start very early in life; developed within our culture and our family.  The holidays can be a wonderful time of sharing and celebration.  Unfortunately, for some people, it can also be a time of renewed grieving for those lost to us.  Holidays can be a time of connection, but also a time of disconnection.  Whether it is dealing with the holidays or any other time of year, think about why you are eating.  Keep an emotional food journal for a month and when you eat something, also write down your thoughts and feelings.  Did you eat for hunger or were you expected to eat?  Did you eat to fill an emotional gap of some type?  Was eating just something to do or something you do out of habit?  Do you even know when you are hungry?  Describe what hunger feels like to you.  How do we change a life time of emotional eating?  That answer is different for everyone.  The first intervention is to change what food is available in your environment.  You are less likely to eat unhealthy food if it is not readily available.  Most people who eat emotionally want a quick fix.  However, if you are one of those people who will drive to the grocery store or the fast food place by your house, decide on healthy designated food you can get while you are working on changing actual habits. Have activities planned that do not allow you to eat.  For example, if you are giving yourself a manicure, you can’t very well be eating a bag of chips.  Any type of craft can be a good alternative to eating.  Try not to eat while reading or watching TV.  Eat at your kitchen table only so you don’t associate eating with other places.  Most importantly, talk to yourself about why you want to eat and trying to come up with an alternative to problem solving.  If you are bored, do something fun or interesting.  If you are sad, what is causing that void and what can you do to fill the void that does not involve eating.  Can you celebrate with something other than food and if food is involved, plan ahead the foods you will eat, including the treats you will have.  To make food part of your life and not the center of your life, you need to fill your life with activities and people that bring meaning and positive feelings into your life.  As the saying goes, eat to live and don’t live to eat.

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Relaxation

Relaxation can mean so many different things to so many people.  There are so many theories and books written about relaxation, who knew that the concept of relaxing could be so stressful?  Basically, relaxation is whatever helps you to balance the stresses in your life.  For some people, it might be meditation (of which there are hundreds if not more, to choose from), deep breathing, resting on a lounge chair in the back yard or at the beach, or even reading.  Other people find projects to be relaxing for them and these may include building or making something, or re-doing something like a room in your home.  Some people find exercise to be relaxing, clearing their mind and helping them to feel invigorated.  Whatever you decide to do as your form of relaxation, the most important component is to actually reserve time for your relaxation on a regular basis.  I have met many people over the years who have claimed that their annual vacation was their form of relaxation.  The problem with this approach is the long, very long, year-long wait to experience any form of relaxation.  This approach involves procrastination, wishing one’s life away by dreaming of their vacation and living for that, and being so stressed by the time the vacation arrives, the vacation only makes a small dent in the stress cycle.  If vacation is the way you want to go, then I suggest you sprinkle some 3 and 4-day weekends throughout your year even if it shortens the annual vacation somewhat.  I would also recommend planned activities on regular weekends to keep the mojo going.  If meditation is your thing, find a few that you like that vary by time interval.  While it is wonderful to reach a meditative state for 40 to 60 minutes, that may not always fit in to your schedule.  

Use your long meditations as often as you can during the week, but learn some that take under 5 minutes for that “pick me up” meditative feeling.  As you train your body to relax to certain cues, it will take less and less time for your body to respond.  Exercise is great on so many levels.  It can relax you, energize you, help keep you healthier, and is a wonderful stress reducer.  If you are not excited about the thought of exercise, that means you need to try different forms of exercise until you find one that you love.  There are so many options out there, from groups to weights to sports to different forms of boating.  Don’t forget the basic, walking.  Find a beautiful place to walk.  If you need company on your walks, enlist a family member or even join a walking club.  Again, whatever you do to relax, enjoy it, make it at least 3 to 4 times a week if not daily, and remember, you are worth taking care of.  Life is not just about work.

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New Relationship:  Am I Moving Too Fast?

 In a new relationship, what is too fast and what is too slow.  Some people believe in love at first sight and some people believe one must grow in to love.  Whether you are moving too fast or too slow depends on the two people involved.  However, that being said, there are some general guidelines that might help you.  As you become intrigued with someone, you need to take a closer look at who this person is.  How does this person talk about their ex if they have one, their children, boss, parents?  Do they have friends?  Is everything in their life someone else’s fault or can they take ownership of their choices?  If you have children, do they accept you as a package and are they willing to develop a positive relationship with your children while also respecting the parental boundaries of the other parent?  This works both ways.  If they have children, you need to develop a positive relationship with their children.  If you both have children, be prepared to work on blending the family.  Discuss discipline and have a plan for parenting both sets of children so the children perceive the house rules as equal and fair.  How does this person deal with frustration and anger?  Does their reaction match the crime or do they over react?  Are you able to approach them and talk about anything?  Are they possessive of you or are they willing to share?  Are they supportive of you maintaining your prior relationships with friends and family or do they seem to want to separate you from your past and your support system?  How do they handle their finances and are they even willing to discuss finances with you?  If they are moving too fast for you, are they willing to slow down and match your pace?  If not, there may be some control or impulsive issues to consider.  As you climb each step of the relationship path, do it together and with your eyes open.  Deciding on a life partner is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your life.  Finding a new partner is easy, finding the right partner is the challenge.

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When Feeling Disliked

When Feeling Disliked

We have all had the experience of feeling that someone does not like us.  It may be real or just perceived, but either way, it makes most people feel uncomfortable.  When this happens, the first thing to do is to look at your own behavior.  If you think you have not done anything to make the other person dislike you, than it is not about you.  People’s reactions are about themselves, even if in response to you or directed toward you.  This is easy to understand intellectually, but actually quite difficult to live.  It takes some practice.  For example, suppose you are meeting three friends or co-workers for lunch and you are 30 minutes late and your cell phone died and you just can’t call anyone.  You arrive at the restaurant and friend number 1 says, “Yeah! You are here, let’s get started.”  Friend number 2 says, “You are so inconsiderate.  I can’t believe you made us wait and now you have ruined lunch and we have to go back to work late all because you are so inconsiderate.”  Friend number 3 says, “I’m so glad you are all right.  I was worried about you.  It’s me, not you, but I imagined you on the side of the road in a ditch.”  You have not said anything yet, you just walked in.  You were the stimulus to your three friends.  Your first friend is the healthiest of the three.  That friend trusts you and is just happy you are there and knows if you want to tell them why you are late you will do so.  The trust is there.  The second friend is all about themselves and became very paranoid that you were late intentionally and just didn't care about them.  This is a malignant response because the person had an intent to harm you back in retaliation of perceived harm.  The third person is benign and even stated that their reaction was about them and their anxiety.  Where it gets interesting is you.  Your reaction is about you.  Do you feel guilty, get angry back, or just accept that everyone has their own reaction and maybe you and Friend 2 are not really friends?  Back to the scenario of feeling disliked.  If you do not feel you have done anything wrong, then the other person’s behavior or dislike is about them and not you.  Maybe you remind them of someone in their past who hurt them.  Maybe you remind them of an ex or a boss who was mean.  The list can be endless, and we will never be able to figure out why someone reacts the way they do.  We just need to understand and accept that it is not about us.  I would also like to note that it is not possible to like everyone we meet and not everyone we meet will like us, so basically, it’s a wash.

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