When Feeling Disliked

When Feeling Disliked

We have all had the experience of feeling that someone does not like us.  It may be real or just perceived, but either way, it makes most people feel uncomfortable.  When this happens, the first thing to do is to look at your own behavior.  If you think you have not done anything to make the other person dislike you, than it is not about you.  People’s reactions are about themselves, even if in response to you or directed toward you.  This is easy to understand intellectually, but actually quite difficult to live.  It takes some practice.  For example, suppose you are meeting three friends or co-workers for lunch and you are 30 minutes late and your cell phone died and you just can’t call anyone.  You arrive at the restaurant and friend number 1 says, “Yeah! You are here, let’s get started.”  Friend number 2 says, “You are so inconsiderate.  I can’t believe you made us wait and now you have ruined lunch and we have to go back to work late all because you are so inconsiderate.”  Friend number 3 says, “I’m so glad you are all right.  I was worried about you.  It’s me, not you, but I imagined you on the side of the road in a ditch.”  You have not said anything yet, you just walked in.  You were the stimulus to your three friends.  Your first friend is the healthiest of the three.  That friend trusts you and is just happy you are there and knows if you want to tell them why you are late you will do so.  The trust is there.  The second friend is all about themselves and became very paranoid that you were late intentionally and just didn't care about them.  This is a malignant response because the person had an intent to harm you back in retaliation of perceived harm.  The third person is benign and even stated that their reaction was about them and their anxiety.  Where it gets interesting is you.  Your reaction is about you.  Do you feel guilty, get angry back, or just accept that everyone has their own reaction and maybe you and Friend 2 are not really friends?  Back to the scenario of feeling disliked.  If you do not feel you have done anything wrong, then the other person’s behavior or dislike is about them and not you.  Maybe you remind them of someone in their past who hurt them.  Maybe you remind them of an ex or a boss who was mean.  The list can be endless, and we will never be able to figure out why someone reacts the way they do.  We just need to understand and accept that it is not about us.  I would also like to note that it is not possible to like everyone we meet and not everyone we meet will like us, so basically, it’s a wash.

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