Family Rules for Consistent Parenting

 Children respond to structure and consistency. Any loop hole, such as not following through on a consequence, and your plan falls apart. If there are too many rules, especially if you have more than one child of varying ages, it becomes too hard to keep track. Behavior charts are great if you keep them simple and you are willing to be dedicated to them. However, many families find it too difficult to follow through with charts for more than one child. Grounding is also an option that many parents choose. However, there are two potential problems with this approach. First, when you ground a child, it means you have also grounded yourself in order to enforce the grounding. Since you did not do anything wrong, I don’t see why you should be grounded. I recommend a very modified version of grounding in which your child is grounded until they work off whatever consequences you have given them. Secondly, children often forget exactly why they are grounded, losing its effectiveness, and parents forget to enforce the length of the grounding or feel sad for their child, and lift the grounding. This also negates the consequence. For the family that wants some basic rules for parenting that does not involve too many steps or behaviors to keep track of, there is one basic principle and three general rules.

        

    Principle One: Tell your child exactly what you expect, when you expect the chore or work to be done, and how you expect the chore or work to be done. There is no guess work and no wiggle room to avoid the expected task. Remember, however, that we are working with children and it is unlikely you will get an immediate response. Let’s face it, whatever it is that you want your child to do is most likely not on the top of their priority list, competing with their favorite game, TV show, or playing outside with friends. It is perfectly normal and all right to have to remind your child of their chores or tasks. Therefore, incorporate one warning. Let your child know that this is their one and only warning. This means you do not give your child 5 or 6 warnings until you are worn down and start yelling. If you are yelling at your child, you most likely waited too long to intervene. Now your child just sees you as mean and you have to enforce your rule/expectation and deal with your inner guilt or anger. If you stay with one warning and then calmly give the consequence, you can avoid the anger/guilt cycle.

            Family Rules:

1. Show respect for parents and other adults. This means no arguing, even when you think you are right.

2. Do what you are told when you are told, with respect.

3. What you are asking for, when you argue, the answer is automatically no.

            Before you start a new program of rules and consequences, you will need to sit down with your child/children and explain the new program. Make sure they understand what is expected and what will happen if expectations are not followed. It is often helpful to have your child explain the system back to you and correct any misunderstandings. It is also important that you and your spouse or other caregiver collaborate on a list of chores and consequences you agree will reinforce your new expectations. Consequences should be immediate, concrete, and short. If you make the consequences long term, two problems may occur. First, your child may forget why they are being punished and just see you as mean. Second, as the parent, you are more likely to cave, diminishing the impact of your intervention.

            If you would like more detail about how to set up the rules and consequences in a user friendly way for your family, visit our bookstore and purchase our Interactive Worksheet: FAMILY RULES FOR CONSISTENT PARENTING. Happy parenting.

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