Fifty Shades of Grey

I have been asked by many parents of teenagers if it is alright for their child to read FIFTY SHADES OF GREY, and currently if it is all right for them to see the movie.  NO.  The book is about a young, naive, recently graduated college student with insecurity and abandonment issues.  She meets a slightly older, insecure man with even stronger abandonment issues who has learned to compensate by being beyond successful in business and becoming a billionaire.  The man is also into bondage.  Boy meets girl and they try not to fall in love as they are very different and the girl does not like to be controlled, punished, and given pain as part of their sexual experience and he feels that while he can give her some of what she wants sexually, his needs must be met.  As the story unfolds over the trilogy, there are very explicit descriptions of their sexual behavior and the basis of their relationship appears to be sexual.  He dominates and she tries to break free.  He loosens up some and they get married and live in a mansion and have a couple of children.  They engage in a sexual life style that is outside the norm for most people.  This is just not the book to introduce love and sexuality to teens, both boys and girls.  If you allow your high school student, who is probably already confused and conflicted about sexuality to read this book, you are providing a very slanted view. There is a part of the book where the girl, Anna, thinks about liking her partner’s control and protectiveness, as long as she can handle it.  Again, this does not reflect a healthy, mature relationship.  As for the movie, it is rated R, so it is not as sexually explicit as the books, but it also does not leave anything to the imagination and the dynamics in the movie are the same as in the book.  I would not introduce a young teen to this movie.  However, a young adult over the age of 17 has probably already formulated some idea of their sexuality based on their exposure to the media and their own initial exploration.  If your older teen does read the books or see the movie, it might be helpful for them if you have a conversation about the story and why it is not healthy and only represents a very small part of the population.

We hope you enjoyed reading our blog.  Please like us on Facebook and share our blog with others.  We also would appreciate your comments and we are happy to consider your ideas for topics we can address in our blog.

The Lost Art of The Thank You Note

Most people are back to their normal routines following the holidays and New Year’s.  The gifts have been given and received, but have the Thank You notes been written?  When I was a child, Thank You notes had to be written within a few days of receiving a gift.  According to my mother, if someone cared enough about you to take their time and spend their hard earned money to select and purchase a gift for you, you had a responsibility to thank them.  She felt this was especially important when you received a gift in the mail because how would that person even know you had received the gift.  Today, it appears that many people do not write Thank You notes which I think deprives the gift giver of some special attention for caring about you on your special day or holiday. Furthermore, today there are so many ways to thank someone.  If you do not want to write out a Thank You note the old fashioned way and send it by “snail mail”, a Thank You e-mail or even a Thank You phone text still acknowledges the other person.  Most of us like to receive some form of recognition for our efforts.  We recently sent a wedding gift through a store wedding registry as we were unable to attend the wedding.  To date, several months later, we still have not received a Thank You note and we do not know if they received the gift we purchased or if they received it in one piece?  It would have really been nice to get a brief note.  Over the holidays, I was also amazed at how many people were sent gifts that were never acknowledged.  I was discussing this with some friends and it was interesting to hear some of their opinions.  One friend shared that if she did not receive some form of Thank You, she no longer sent that person gifts in the future.  Another friend would call and ask the person if they received the gift and whether or not they liked it.  A third friend told us that she stopped sending gifts, but would continue to send cards to celebrate the occasion.  A couple of friends said they just continued to send the gifts if the recipient was a child but stopped sending gifts after graduation from High School.  The general theme here is that people were hurt to not be thanked and recognized.  Let’s all remember this the next time we receive a gift.

We hope you enjoyed reading our blog.  Please like us on Facebook and share our blog with others.  We also would appreciate your comments and we are happy to consider your ideas for topics we can address in our blog.

Grieving Over The Loss of Your Pet

     Recently, a very close friend experienced the death of her beloved dog.  She asked me to write a blog about coping with the loss.  For many of us, a pet becomes a family member and loved as another child in the family.  We choose the right name for them, the right veterinarian, the food we feed them, the toys we buy for them, and sometimes, we even send them to school.  If we have to leave without them, we decide on who is the best person to take care of them.  We want our pets to be happy, content, and well cared for.  In exchange, our pets give us unconditional love and approval.  When our pet dies, many people feel as though a part of them has died as well.  However, unlike when a person in our lives die, some people may not understand our grief and expect us to get over it.  Grieving any loss takes time.  You may have moments and days when you feel strong and able to function without feeling so sad and then unexpectedly, get slammed with an onslaught of grief that is overwhelming.  Allow yourself to feel what you feel and then force yourself to go back to whatever you were doing.  Remember, your pet loved you unconditionally and even in death, would want you to be happy. 

Your pet had a good life with you no matter their age at death, and certainly better than many animals and even some people.  Many people often express feelings of guilt after a pet has died, thinking about things they did not do or regretting things that they did do, such as yelling at a pet or not giving them attention when they wanted it.  No one is perfect, not even your pet.   The important point is that you loved each other and were better for it.  Many people wonder if they should get another pet.  That is an individual or family decision and do not allow yourself to be pushed in either direction by a well-meaning person in your life.  You know if you want another pet or if you want to wait or if you want a different kind of pet.  Even if you get another pet, they will not replace the pet you lost, but will have their own place in your heart.  Their presence will be missed greatly, but life is for the living and just like you wanted the best for your pet, your pet wanted the best for you, which is the essence of unconditional love.

We hope you enjoyed reading our blog.  Please like us on Facebook and share our blog with others.  We also would appreciate your comments and we are happy to consider your ideas for topics we can address in our blog.

New Year Resolutions 

     I hope everyone has had a wonderful holiday filled with friends, family, and good food to eat.  If your holiday was not wonderful this year, think about how you can change it for next year.  If you have lost someone, for example, you may want to make some new traditions.  However, this blog is not about the holidays, but about the upcoming year.  So many people make a New Year resolution without any identifiable idea or plan of action about how they will accomplish their goals.  I suggest you contemplate the past year and think about what you would have liked to change about how you live your life.  Make a list and then prioritize the list according to what is most important to you to change.  Try and limit your list to about three behaviors so that you do not overwhelm yourself.  If you accomplish everything on your list you can always add to it.  The goal is to accomplish the list of changes and not have to take something off.  As you make your list and rate it, also think about your life style and whether or not your list would even be doable given the demands on your time.

  Once you have decided on what you want to change, make a list of the realistic ways you might be able to achieve success.  For example, if you want to make your home less cluttered, think about what that means to you, how your home became cluttered to begin with, and what you can realistically do that is different.   Maybe you might have an initial goal of not adding to the clutter and going through and organizing your mail on a daily basis or not throwing anymore clothes on the floor of your bedroom or closet.  Maybe you want to add exercise to your life.  Think about how in shape or out of shape you are, what kind of exercise you might like, and what type of commitment you can really make given your lifestyle and budget.  You might decide to walk at first until you build yourself up in terms of increased stamina before you start a boot camp program.  Rather than join a health club, maybe a 6-week commitment to take an exercise class at the local rec center or YMCA might make more sense.  First find out what exercise you really like, then how to fit it into your budget and your life style.  Losing weight seems to be a very common New Year resolution.  How much do you want to lose and what are you willing to do to lose the weight in a healthy way?  Most of us need some guidance in this area and you may want to start with talking with your Dr.  Read about healthy eating and decide how you will manage this.  How will you change your cooking style, where and when you eat out and what you order when you eat out.  Whatever you decide, do not starve yourself and make yourself feel deprived.  The key to weight loss is healthy eating as part of a life style change that you can maintain and embrace.  Whatever you decide to change, you are in charge of how you do this and what you accomplish.  If you have any questions, visit our web site and ask Dr. Flora.

We hope you enjoyed reading our blog.  Please like us on Facebook and share our blog with others.  We also would appreciate your comments and we are happy to consider your ideas for topics we can address in our blog.

When Couple Communication  

Deteriorates 

            For some couples, there can be a full and permanent breakdown in communication and for other couples the breakdown is symptomatic of other stresses.  If you generally communicate well but lately feel you have lost those skills, there is some straightforward remediation available.  It is important that the two of you do these exercises together for them to have the full impact. 

1.      Pick a small issue that you both feel could be easily resolved or has already been resolved. 

Example Topic: Division of household chores.

2.      Spouse 1 describe the problem.

Poor Communication- “You sit around all day and do nothing to help me clean up!”

Healthy Communication- “I feel like I’m left to do more than my fair share of housework.”

3.      Spouse 2 repeat back what you think you heard.

Poor Communication- “So, you think I sit here and do nothing?”

Healthy Communication- “So, you feel like I’m not doing my part to keep up the house?”

4.      Spouse 1 validate partner or gently correct until you both agree on Spouse 1’s description.

Poor Communication- “Yeah, I think you are lazy and inconsiderate!”

Healthy Communication- “Yes, I would like it if you did more around the house to make things less difficult for me.”

5.      Spouse 2 describe the problem.

Poor Communication- “Don’t you realize that I work all day and have no time for myself, let alone to help you clean?”

Healthy Communication- “I understand that you would like more help but, I’m very tired after working all day.”

6.      Spouse 1 repeat back what you think you heard.

Poor Communication- “So, you don’t care and I have to do it all on my own?”

Healthy Communication- “I understand that you are tired at the end of the day but, I wonder if we can find a solution.”

7.      Spouse 2 validate partner or gently correct until you both agree on Spouse 2’s description.

Poor Communication- “You clearly don’t care about how I’m feeling.”

Healthy Communication- “Yes, I’m tired but, I am sure that we can find a solution.”

8.      Both Spouse’s independently write down a list of possible solutions.

Example Solutions:

·         Spouse 2 picks specific daily and/or weekly responsibilities of their choosing that they feel would help alleviate stress for Spouse 1 . However, Spouse 2 has an hour of rest and relaxation when first arriving home from work before opting to help around the house.

·         Spouse 1 selects the specific chores that Spouse 2 will be daily/weekly responsible for. However, Spouse 1 gives a timeline for completion. Spouse 2 may rest as long as they feel is needed as long as their responsibilities are completed within the requested time frame.

9.      Share the two lists and see if there is any overlap or agreed upon solutions.

10.  If there is an agreed upon solution, start with that.

11.  If there is no agreed upon solution, look at the pros and cons of each suggestion and begin to eliminate suggestions that are not feasible. 

12.  If you can narrow down your choice and still can’t agree, toss a coin.  Tossing a coin is unbiased and fair. 

     If you need to communicate some thoughts and feelings and don’t really need to problem solve, you might want to use a written journal and write back and forth to each other.  When we put things in writing, we tend to be more careful in how we communicate and it also gives the other person time to think about how they want to respond.

     If you are interested in this type of approach, check out our Booklet entitled:  Marital Communication Made Easy.  You can find it on our web site in the book store.

We hope you enjoyed reading our blog.  Please like us on Facebook and share our blog with others.  We also would appreciate your comments and we are happy to consider your ideas for topics we can address in our blog.

*Examples provided by Brittany Redding, office manager.

Suicide 

     My apologies for not having written in a long time.  In the past several weeks I have been asked by many patients and friends about suicide, stemming, of course, by the shock and sadness so many feel regarding the recent suicide of Robin Williams.  There are, of course, many books written about suicide and there are just as many theories.  Bottom line, people commit suicide for many different reasons, and typically when they reach a point where the emotional pain is unbearable and suicide seems like the only answer.  Most suicides are not about anyone but the person feeling the pain.  It is not about being selfish or punishing.  I have met some wonderful people who have struggled with suicidal thoughts and desires for many years and have fought against those desires, only to succumb later in life.  Some people make several attempts before they are successful, and this is just not a good prognostic sign.

  For many of these hurting people, it is only a matter of time.  Other people make only one attempt and it is successful.  If you love someone who has committed suicide, it is not your fault.  Don’t let the survival guilt ruin the rest of your life.  I have learned over the past 30 years that is someone is determined to kill themselves, there is not anything you can really do to stop them.  That being said, there are some people who do use the threat of suicide to both punish and control in a relationship.  Most of us have probably heard a story of a boyfriend or girlfriend or even a spouse who threatens to kill themselves if their partner leaves.  This is the ultimate manipulation and not a reason to stay in a toxic relationship.  Those few people who kill themselves in order to hurt someone else are experiencing extremely dysfunctional thinking, and no one is responsible for what another person does or does not do. If someone you know or love threatens suicide, call 911 and report it no matter what they threaten.  If it is a manipulative bluff, call the bluff and after a few days in the psychiatric hospital, they will be much less likely to bluff with suicide threats again.  If they do mean to make a gesture, gestures can go wrong and they need to be in a safe place, cared for by professional.  So once again, call 911.  And if they are truly suicidal, do not hesitate to call 911 and get them some professional help.  For many truly suicidal individuals, it is the loss and lack of hope that finally pushes them over the emotional cliff.  This may surprise some of you, but there are also a lot of people who engage in suicidal ideation but will not kill themselves as they have enough strength left to know they will hurt someone they love and they just do not want to do that.  Sometimes a loved pet is enough to help someone hold on.  But even with deterrents, if the pain becomes too overwhelming, the person you love may feel it is their only way out of that pain.  You can’t stop them, but you can forgive them for hurting you and forgive yourself for not saving them.

We hope you enjoyed reading our blog.  Please like us on Facebook and share our blog with others.  We also would appreciate your comments and we are happy to consider your ideas for topics we can address in our blog.

Empty Nest Syndrome

The kids are either packed away to college or have moved out to start their own lives.  You have cleaned the house from end to end and top to bottom and there really is nothing left to clean.  You have caught up on your projects and now you have nothing to do.  Actually, you have a lot to do.  You have to reinvent yourself and this can be a very exciting time in your life.  List out what you used to like to do, what you have wanted to do but never had the time to explore, and what you think you might want to try. 

While you are reconnecting with friends, it is very helpful to join groups that focus on areas of interest, allowing you the possibility of making new friends with similar interests.  Get involved in some volunteer work that allows you to meet people versus volunteer work that keeps you isolated.  Join a group, such as a book club or a bicycle club.  There are as many groups and clubs as there are interests and usually your local library is a good place to start your research.  If you do not want to commit to a long-term group or club, look for single events.  Your local paper should have a listing of what is happening in your community.  Some people enjoy going back to work and others enjoy a period of semi-retirement or even early retirement.  There are no right or wrong answers as long as you enjoy your new chapter.  Remember, once a parent, always a parent as you transition from mom/dad to mentor.  Now, however, you are a parent with more freedom and less laundry.

We hope you enjoyed reading our blog.  Please like us on Facebook and share our blog with others.  We also would appreciate your comments and we are happy to consider your ideas for topics we can address in our blog.